when love heals hate
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Book : When Love Heals Hate by Dr Murni Wan Mohd Nor
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KIDDOCARE SDN BHD
C-13A-5 Sunway Nexis,
No. 1 Jalan PJU 5/1, Kota Damansara,
47810 Petaling Jaya,
Selangor Darul Ehsan, Malaysia.
01/01/23 | 5 mins read
by IAN FIRDAUS
Stress is an unavoidable part of being a human being. Whether you’re a child, a teenager or an adult, it is inevitable that stress may haunt you from time to time. It is part and parcel of life. But… that doesn’t mean that every time that stress attacks you, you would need to surrender and be defeated. Feeling occasional stress is normal and a sign that your reflexes are functioning properly.
Now, when it comes to parenthood or caregiving, it is without a doubt that it is an incredible journey filled with love, joy and cherished moments. The smiles, the giggles, the laughs, the good feeling every morning when you see your child you care for is still sleeping.
However, the responsibilities and challenges can sometimes become overwhelming, leading to a tsunami of stress that may cause detrimental effects to your health and mental well-being. As a caregiver, it is crucial to prioritize your well-being and that means finding ways to take care of ourselves and manage stress.
Just like how you want children to be happy, it’s the same when it comes to yourself. The amount of caring that you put for children should be equivalent to the amount of you caring for yourself, if not more.
Finding effective stress reduction techniques is just as important as you’re taking care of your child’s overall health. Let’s explore a variety of strategies to help caregivers manage and reduce stress while nurturing your own mental and emotional health.
This Technique Feels Like Your Greatest Enemy…
Yes, you are tired. You may even be exhausted. How is it not when you are a caregiver giving your time, energy and resources to little angels? It is normal for caregivers to feel tired. But that exhaustion will lead you to be stressed.
We have a technique and this technique has been told to you so many times by a lot of experts. That only proves just how effective this is. You may see this technique as your enemy but this will be really good for you.
We are talking about no other than exercise. As we’re writing this, some of you must have let out an ‘ughhhhhhhhhhhhh…’, am I right? If it didn’t come from your mouth, you might have let it out in your heart.
But hey, putting physical ‘stress’ on your body can reduce your mental stress. Exercising regularly lowers your body’s stress hormone levels and encourages the release of endorphins which is the hormone that improves your mood. You don’t have to exercise in extreme mode whereby you do 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, 20 1-minute plankings and so on. If you want it, by all means. But exercising in a minimum quantity is also sufficient; jogging for about 20 minutes a day, swimming for half an hour, 20 dumbbell curls or an hour in a gym doing light exercises. Or you may even do yoga. According to experts, yoga can enhance your mood and may even be as effective as antidepressant drugs.
Believe this: You’ll feel rejuvenated after a workout, as if your body has shed all the tiredness that weighed you down.
Make Stress As Your Friend! Yes, You Can!
Wait… how??? How can we make stress as our friend?
A TED Talk by a health psychologist, Kelly McGonigal said that we can make stress as our friend. Do you notice that when you’re stressed especially when we are faced with a daunting task or challenge like your child is suddenly unhealthy or is down with fever, your heart will pound harder, your breathing will quicken and your forehead and hands will sweat?
In the TED Talk, Kelly McGonigal explained, ‘How you think and how you act can transform your experience of stress. When you choose to view your stress response as helpful, you create the biology of courage.’
While when a child is sick, we can only do so much to help but all of the biological responses that go with stress can actually help you to anticipate the situation. Your energy will increase and you will have quicker reactions. Change your perspective and think that everything that stress is doing to your body is because it wants to help you rise to the challenge. Your stress response will become healthier. With this perspective, it’s like saying that you can trust yourself to handle life’s challenges.
She also stated that those who adopt this perspective have been proven to live a longer and healthier life. It’s such a wonderful thing how a perspective can actually change your life.
Create Resilience By…
Oh, no. Kelly didn’t stop there. Not only does Kelly McGonigal want you to alter your mindset, but she also wants you to choose to connect with others under stress because in that way, you can create resilience for you.
She mentioned a hormone, oxytocin or is also known as the cuddle hormone because it is released when you hug someone. But oxytocin plays a larger part than that. It is a neuro-hormone where it primes you to do things that can strengthen your bonds and relationships with others. It makes you feel that physical contact is important with your friends and family and makes you want to help and support those who care about you.
What many don’t know is that oxytocin is also a stress hormone. When this hormone is released under stress conditions, it is motivating you to seek support. That’s why at times, we feel the need to tell someone about the things we have gone through. It wants you to be surrounded by people who care about you.
When you reach out to others under stress, either to seek support or to help other people, you will release more oxytocin, your stress response will then become healthier and you will recover quickly from stress. Human connection is what makes you resilient to stress.
Imperfections Are Okay
One thing to always keep in mind; no caregiver is perfect especially when you’re a first-timer, having to figure out everything for the very first time. Accepting that there will be moments of challenges, struggles, the I-don’t-knows and imperfections are of significant importance.
Understand that it is okay not to be a perfect caregiver. Rationally, every caregiver goes through the I-don’t-knows. Just because you have to watch a YouTube video on life hacks around children or you ask parenting questions to someone that already has four children doesn’t mean that you’re clueless about caregiving. The fact that you’re asking questions and having the efforts to find solutions for yourself are already an achievement that you want to give your best to the people that you care for.
Instead of focusing on your perceived failures, celebrate the small wins and cherish the positive moments. Embrace the imperfections and don’t let self-criticism contribute to your stress. If there’s one thing we all learn about Kelly McGonigal, it’s that you need to change your perspective that imperfections are perfectly fine. This perspective alone can help you to reduce stress.
Written By:
IAN FIRDAUS
References:
https://dailycaring.com/14-practical-ways-to-relieve-caregiver-stress/
https://commhealthcare.com/7-practical-stress-relief-techniques-for-caregivers-and-their-seniors/
https://youtu.be/RcGyVTAoXEU?si=-mN7m_oXSn5CpBB5
https://empathicparentingcounseling.com/self-care/feeling-defeated-as-a-mom/
01/01/23 | 5 mins read
by IAN FIRDAUS
We cannot deny that parenthood is an incredible journey. The journey where you will learn a lot about life and yourself. A great journey that finds the reason for your existence. It is filled with love, laughter and precious moments.
However, we cannot deny that this journey also brings a path laden with challenges and responsibilities that may sometimes become overwhelming. As a parent, it’s common that you put your children’s well-being above all else. But in doing so, we may neglect our emotional and mental health.
For a lot of parents, the reality of juggling the demands of caring responsibilities on their time, money, energy and resources leaves them with little time to take care of their own well-being. From late night feedings and sudden tantrums to frequent meltdowns and science homework, raising cute little beings can be difficult. It’s more difficult if you’re constantly placing the needs of your little ones than your own, which many of us do. This can result in parental burnout.
Well, it’s never wrong for you to prioritize your loved ones, it is never wrong. However, to ensure that your family remains in good shape and enjoys lasting health and well-being, it’s essential to strike a balance and take proactive steps to nurture not only their needs but also your own.
Parental burnout is not just a personal struggle, it can affect your family’s well-being. Hence, let’s look at the signs of parental burnout and what we can do to reduce parental burnout from consuming our lives.
Understanding Parental Burnout
Stress and burnout are two entirely different things. Stress usually comes before burnout. Imagine if stress is something tangible, like a box. If you constantly get stressed, every box will appear and the more boxes, the bigger it will consume your mind hence, when it’s piled up, that’s when burnout occurs. It happens when stress gets too much. You can feel helpless, restless and defeated, like the world is doomed. You will experience exhaustion and depression with little to no motivation.
“Parental burnout is the physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion that one feels from the chronic stress of parenting. It can manifest with emotional distancing from your child or irritability, i.e., being easily angered,” Dr Puja Aggarwal, a board certified neurologist and a certified life coach.
However, the good news is that parental burnout is not permanent. Let’s combat this and cope with the situation.
How to Know if You’re Burnt Out?
Recognizing the signs of parental burnout is the first step to addressing it. Burnout affects everyone differently, some people experience physical symptoms while others struggle emotionally. One of the common indicators that may indicate you are experiencing parental burnout is loss of motivation. Parental burnout can rob you of the joy that you once found in parenting or even anything and everything in life. Your hobby might be playing chess or collecting vintage items or going shopping, but burnout can make you lose interest even in your passion.
Another sign would of course be the exhaustion and pain that you have to endure. Physical exhaustion is one thing – the feeling of tiredness and fatigue in your body, you feel as if your body is of no use anymore.
You may also feel like you’re slowly withdrawing from your parenting tasks. Burnout can lead to a sense of detachment from your children. You might find yourself going through your journey of parenting without feeling truly connected. You seem like you’re not living in the moment and you have the realization that you’re stuck in a time loop – doing everything the same thing over and over again without enjoying each experience. Other than that, you may also isolate yourself from family and friends, leading to social withdrawal.
Parental burnout can manifest in physical symptoms including headaches, stomachaches, sleep disturbances, joint and muscle pains. You may also change in appetites, either eating too much or too little. And of course, your productivity would also be decreased. You may notice a decline in your productivity, both at home and work, as burnout takes a toll on your energy and motivation.
It’s important to understand that experiencing one or more signs of burnout does not make you weak. It is a phase of life that most parents will go through some day. Parental burnout is a common issue and recognizing these signs is the first step to addressing it. Below are some of the things you can do.
What Can You Do to Cope With Parental Burnout?
a. Redefining the Importance of Self-Care
As a parent or caregiver, it’s common to prioritize everyone else’s needs above your own and view self-care as something expendable, a luxury that steals precious moments away from the demands of parenting or falls so far down the list of priorities that it gets forgotten and buried.
However, caring for yourself isn’t an act of selfishness. Parents who make self-care a priority tend to be less self-critical and experience improved physical and mental well-being. They also feel more adept and self-assured in their parenting roles, exhibit better concentration on their parenting responsibilities, even in challenging circumstances, and find more enjoyment in the parenting journey.
It’s essential to recognize that self-care isn’t merely an optional extra. Reintroducing your own needs into the equation is not selfish; it’s actually a vital parenting skill that benefits everyone involved.
b. Be Kinder to Yourself
As parents, there are days when we may not feel like we’re at our best. We might experience moments of disconnection from our children or feel physically and emotionally drained. This is where the concept of self-compassion comes into play. It involves treating ourselves with more understanding when we’re stressed or facing setbacks. Not only is this beneficial for parents and caregivers, but it’s also a valuable life skill that can be role-modeled for their children.
While it might sometimes be underestimated or not given enough importance, self-compassion is an essential aspect of self-care. Research has demonstrated that parents who are kinder to themselves and prioritize self-care enjoy better overall health and well-being. They tend to have greater confidence in their parenting abilities and engage in more positive interactions with their children. The well-being, confidence, and positive interactions of parents are closely associated with better outcomes for children, even those facing mental health challenges or disabilities.
Even when mistakes are made or your inner critic becomes vocal, try to reframe that inner voice with a more positive one. It’s important to remember that everyone encounters difficulties, and there is no such thing as a flawless parent or child. Embracing this perspective can be quite helpful.
c. Talk With Those You’re Close With and Can Be Trusted
Parental burnout is just one aspect of the broader discussion on the realities of being a parent or caregiver. Various factors can contribute to burnout, including inadequate support, a heavy burden of responsibilities, the impact of natural disasters, caring for aging parents, and financial concerns.
It’s crucial for parents and caregivers to be aware of the signs of burnout and to reach out for support when necessary. By addressing this issue as a significant component of the larger journey of parenting and caregiving, we can strive to cultivate more resilient and positive family environments for both parents and children.
Speak with your spouse, parent, co-parent, best friend or close friends. Explain what you’re dealing with, how you’re feeling or coping and the responsibilities you are carrying. Be frank. Don’t be afraid to admit you’re struggling or overwhelmed with your life. Open up. Tell them what you need. At the end of the day, we are humans and we have our ups and downs and if they are your friends or loved ones, they will understand your situation and will help you in every way possible.
Conclusion
Parental burnout is a real and significant challenge but it’s not an insurmountable one. By understanding its meaning, recognizing its signs and finding the best ways to cope with burnout, parents and caregivers can take proactive steps to combat burnout which really feels like the enemy is ourselves.
It’s perfectly normal to experience moments of stress and exhaustion. However, it’s important to know when these moments escalate and develop into burnout. By doing this, not only we protect our mental health but we also create a nurturing environment in which our children can thrive.
Written by:
IAN FIRDAUS
https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/parental-burnout
01/01/23 | 5 mins read
by IAN FIRDAUS
Being a caregiver, whether for children or senior citizens with special needs is a rewarding but often challenging role. It is a role that often demands unwavering dedication and compassion. If we carried out the tasks as a caregiver, it can be something that is very fulfilling. But on the other hand, it can also be incredibly challenging, both emotionally and physically.
In the midst of these caregiving responsibilities, it’s easy for caregivers to overlook their own well-being. Being a caregiver can push one to their limits as the demands of caregiving often come at the cost of personal rest, time and self-care.
But here’s the thing; taking care of your own mental health is a necessity. Similar to how you prioritize the people you care for, it’s important that you extend that same level of care to yourself.
Let’s explore essential tips and strategies to help you build and maintain strong mental health while juggling the responsibilities as a caregiver.
You Over Others
No, it’s not selfish for you to prioritize yourself for others. It is definitely something that you should not ignore when it comes to taking care of yourself. Prioritizing yourself is a necessity for everyone, especially for caregivers as they’re responsible for caring for other people.
When prioritizing, make sure that you maximize your self-care practices. Set some time aside for activities that rejuvenate you. Whether it’s reading a book, collecting stamps, going out for a movie, relaxing at a spa, hiking a mountain or even scrolling and endlessly adding items to cart at an online shopping app, for as long as the activity is safe for you and doesn’t harm anyone, make self-care a regular part of your routine. By caring for your physical, mental and emotional needs, you’ll be better equipped to care for others.
HA! HA! HA!
When people say that laughter is the best medicine, take it very literally. It is true that laughter provides you with the best feeling in the world especially if the jokes can get you giggled for minutes.
Why? This is because your body releases endorphins, the hormone that releases the feel-good chemicals, reducing stress and increasing the feeling of happiness and well-being. This will make your brain calm followed by a cascade of relaxation responses through your body.
Try to find humor in your everyday life. Watch a TV program like Maharaja Lawak Mega, F.R.I.E.N.D.S or or go watch a movie that tickles your funny bone like Park Seo-Joon’s Dream, the late Mamat Khalid’s movies or Spy Kids: Armageddon.
Watching comedies and hearing jokes will let your mind stray from worries, encouraging a positive outlook. Laughter can have remarkable effects too. Lawrence Robinson, Melinda Smith and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. from HelpGuide.org described that laughter can relax your muscles, relieve physical tension and even increase pain tolerance. Your immune system also gets a boost from laughter, as it increases the production of immune cells and antibodies. Not only will it reduce your stress but laughter can also build a strong mental and physical health for you.
Keep Everything Organized
When we include the word ‘organize’, some of you must be thinking about the tidiness of your house. Well, this is true to a certain extent. You need to make sure your house is neat and organized. Everything should be in order and only then you can care for others as safety should be a priority for everyone. But this doesn’t cover the whole thing about organizing.
It’s more than that, when we say ‘organize’, we also mean financially. Make sure to keep your finances in check; from planning your budget to saving some in your bank accounts. When we care about others, we sometimes forget about ourselves and this may cause unwanted stress and financial issues can have devastating effects on our mental health if not planned properly.
Some caregivers immerse in their caregiving responsibilities that they may start to lose themselves in the world of the person that they care for. You, as a person, have your personal goals and dreams to achieve, constituting your whole life. It’s essential to remember that you are an individual with goals and aspirations, and these are integral to your identity and overall well-being.
Caring for others may be one of the most rewarding things in the world but don’t lose sight of your own life journey. Why? Your personal life is the cornerstone of maintaining good mental health. Effective organization is crucial to fostering good mental health for both yourself and the person you’re caring for.
Quality Over Quantity
While it may seem difficult to maintain your work-life balance, it is important for us to make connections with friends and family. Having a connection means creating real, authentic relationships with them, not just knowing them and having their contact information on our phone.
You don’t need to meet them often. Once in a while should be good since you have yourself and the person you’re caring for to prioritize. Family should come first before friends but this doesn’t mean that you should only meet your friends once a month. Meet your family on a weekly basis and your friends on a bi-weekly basis.
These relationships can provide emotional support and reduce feelings of isolation. When you know you have people who care for you, you will realize that you have a purpose in life and that you are important to them. These thoughts and feelings alone can maintain a good mental health. As a caregiver, you may feel alone and isolated and you’re giving your energy and time to your loved ones so family and friends are the ones who will make good use of your free time, they are the backbone that will support you no matter what. It’s okay if you don’t have many friends or even family members for as long as those you do have offer genuine support, understanding, and unwavering love. Quality always surpasses quantity when it comes to relationships. Remember, a few true companions can bring immense comfort and joy to your life, making sure that your mental health is always in good shape and condition.
Written by:
IAN FIRDAUS
References:
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm
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